| ok I got this from my friend Monica's xanga, I thought it was cute and funny!!!!
l8rs,
*~Lacy~*
** DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better
be delivering a package -- because you're sure not
picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
your age to wear their trousers so loose that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during
the course of your date with my daughter, I will take
my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
having sex without using a "barrier method" of some
kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to
sex with my daughter, I am the barrier and I am the
one who will do the killing.
Rule Five:
It is generally understood that in order for us to
get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only answer I need
from you on this subject is "Early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with
many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine
with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will
make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my
daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes
by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process than can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following locations are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where
the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with
strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;
movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games
are okay. Old folks' homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car. There is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I  Jake |
